Thwarted

Trying to make time to get up early, meditate, exercise, eat breakfast, make my lunch and wash my hair, I went to bed as soon as I was tired. 

That was two hours ago. Unfortunately, I woke up with heartburn about 30 minutes ago, refreshed from one full 90-minute sleep cycle, and can't get back to sleep. Since I didn't make progress on a project this weekend, I'm taking advantage of this insomnia to do so now. 

I've been doing a fair amount of reading lately in preparation for an event I developed with my alumni association chapter and California Forward. I'm pretty proud of the effort; it's part government 2.0, part austerity response, part new civic engagement, and it uses the ideas in Gavin Newsom's new book, Citizenville, as a jumping off point for exploring these topics. 

I always wanted to study and directly improve government in some way, so this seems like a good step towards getting my feet wet. I helped develop a pretty awesome panel of discussants, including the Lt. Governor, the mayor of Santa Monica (which recently won a finalist prize from the Bloomberg Mayors Challenge), Code for America's chief of staff, and a certain Sacramento City Councilmember. It's going to be moderated by political reporting veteran John Myers. 

At the moment, I'm reading Citizenville. It's funny, because my career and the Lt. Governor's seem to have followed a similar trajectory, albeit unintentionally. Because of the nature of my job at the state, I see a lot of high-profile projects and problems. And because of my interest in government innovation, I'm always advocating for trying new things, or a least highlighting best practices for the legislature to consider. Furthermore, I couldn't be a bigger proponent of transparency and accessibility. So far, Newsom has mentioned open data in the context of a project I worked on at the state lands commission and one that involves the San Bruno pipeline explosion. 

It will be interesting to see where else our activities intersect. I'm really looking forward to the event. 

Tradeoffs

For years, perhaps almost since I first moved to Sacramento in 2001, I have wanted to make a significant contribution to the city. Something tangible.

Seems like I just get to cheerlead others' efforts though, instead of having a place at the table. It's a constant frustration to me, given how so many people talk about engagement.

Sometimes, I think it's the allure of the safety of state service. It prevents me from getting my hands dirty. What to do?

I give up

When you're small, adults tell you that perseverance is a good quality. It probably is, in certain situations.

But perseverance can easily become stubbornness, or attachment, or loyalty.

These traits are not beneficial, or at least I have found them less protective than I would like.

So today, I vow to pay more attention to the difference, because none of them are serving me well.

A new direction

A month ago, I moved. I left the comfort/familiarity of East Sac and Midtown for a co-op in Oak Park. And not north Oak Park or Med Center, mind you, but Central Oak Park. South of Broadway.

When I made the decision I was trying to find a way to push myself beyond dwelling on the disappointments of the previous year -mainly losing Mitzie and not getting a new job. Overall, I think it worked. It's been a big enough shift that it has helped consume my "could/shoulda/woulda and if only" mind loop.

And now it's time to get my shit together.

Freedom and Captivity

It's always interesting how changing perspective changes one's sense of options. Lately I have been feeling trapped. I overshot my capabilities and let my expectations get the best of me. Now, I'm suffering from a lack of confidence and a profound sense of the limits of my skills and abilities. My finances leave something to be desired and until yesterday I felt like I had no options. I've been preparing for the worst: crying uncle and moving in with my dad in Southern California. (Sometimes I am prone to the dramatic.)

I know I'm overreacting, at least with respect to the skills and abilities. I'll get my mojo back, somehow. Hopefully, soon. I accept that this is my lot in life for now, and I must make sure that I learn something from this experience.

In the meantime, I realized there's something I can do about my work situation and my finances. I can forgive myself, and then I can get to work. So that's what I've been doing this week. I'm looking into moving to a cheaper place, considering how to reduce my commitments, and thinking about how I can make more time for mellow situations with good friends.

I also had this insane epiphany about thinking. Thinking! Me! Those who know me well might say I have made an Olympic sport of cogitation. What I realized is that I've been expecting it to come easy. To always know the answers, effortlessly. This is an expectation I've had of myself since I was about 4 years old, and it was definitely reinforced by my upbringing. I realized that this causes me loads of stress and frustration and I am prone to either beating myself up when things are not obvious to me or complaining about the process/blaming something outside of me. I also often get sucked into thinking that beating myself up somehow pushes me forward (this is definitely internalized childhood stuff). Essentially, I have been treating myself like a puppy who needs housetraining, but isn't getting it.

So instead of beating myself with a rolled-up newspaper, I'm trying a different tack. Thank goodness for yoga and meditation and openness to insight and cultivating non-judgment - sometimes, I have breakthroughs. I decided to accept that the answer doesn't always come easily, and to work on trusting myself that, just because an answer isn't always readily apparent in my mind, that I can figure it out. I can't express how liberating this is for me. My entire life I've spent hiding the fact that sometimes, I don't know the answer, and that this is a terrifying reality that I hate facing. It causes me all sorts of strife and I react in ridiculous ways when confronted by this incontrovertible fact.

And this is incredibly liberating. I don't know if others feel the same, but I derive some measure of freedom by sharing this with the masses. I hope folks find some benefit. I can't be the only one like this.

Urban vs Suburban

I came across this article on the Cordova Hills development, West Sacramento's approach to redeveloping itself, and the Urban Land Institute event at the Crocker last Thursday. It felt like so much deja vu. I took a class on land use policy in grad school in 2006. At the time, my professor really played up this debate, and, in the midst of the boom, the argument seemed feasible. Since then, we've flirted with $5/gallon gas, experienced a housing shock like none other, observed how global markets can upend local ones, are staring down the barrel of a generational timebomb in terms of healthcare costs for our aging population, struggling to meaningfully address childhood obesity and are in the midst of one of the driest winters on record in the driest decade on record. It is time to recognize that this way lies inequality, waste and turmoil. Keep the footprint dense, invest in transit, and preserve farmland and open space. When they are well-designed and well-managed, cities are more efficient and better for the environment. We have to accept that we must learn to live together.

Replacement

They say it's best to quickly adopt a new animal after losing one. I've noticed just in the last few weeks, after making peace with all the disappointment I experienced last year, that I've finally had time to mourn Mitzie. I've been missing her more lately and sense her presence more than I did a few months ago. This, I think, is a good thing - indicative of a return to my normal emotional states.

I don't want another cat, though. I just got lucky with Mitzie that her personality was a good match with mine. While I'm generally accepting of cats however they interact with humans, I am aware of a pickiness about welcoming another one into my home.

I'm certain that, this time around, I want a dog. The problem with this is that my life is so up in the air. I keep thinking that, once I figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, everything else will fall neatly into place. (I also recognize this as a long-held family approach to avoiding moving on with life or doing anything scary.)
I also need to do my research: tiny house + big dog = disaster.

There's a Heeler puppy at the shelter. Maybe it's time I did something (semi) spontaneous.

Pep talk

Sometimes I get really despondent. It drives everyone crazy. So here is a pep talk. For me, for all of us.

On time, effort, and success

The job market is bad, and I haven't been doing enough in my current position to get ready to move onto another. I just got rejected for a position a friend recommended me for without even getting an interview. (I was open to the opportunity, but not particularly certain what it entailed, so no doubt my resume could have been better structured.) Another friend just swooped in and took a position I had an inside scoop on. Actually, that's happened twice in the past few weeks. All this after I spent a year working toward something and having it fall apart.

I'm feeling pretty frustrated, because I feel old and stuck and like I have tremendous potential that's being wasted, and also as if I am partially responsible for a good portion of that waste, given my penchant for fun. It's annoying to realize that my life is on a 5-year loop of mastery and boredom. I was hoping I'd have figured out the secret to fulfillment by now. Truth be told, I've had glimpses of it, and it lies in shedding the nonessential, and staying centered. Neither of which I've been very committed to for the past year.

As the Chinese New Year, Year of the Snake, approaches, I feel called to try something different. I can only keep testing different approaches if I'm ever to break out of my pattern. I've never been one to believe that things happen for a reason, but I definitely do believe that the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result. To prevent such craziness, this year of the snake (which is my Chinese zodiac sign) I will:

• focus on growth, rather than security
• narrow, rather than broaden, my activities
• hone my strengths rather than try to atone for my weaknesses
• hope, instead of worry
• reframe when I usually complain

I see that I should have been more careful with my career. Instead of lament, I'll be grateful I've realized it now, when there's still time to do something about it. 

Frequency

It's time to start posting on the regular. I've been meaning to for some time. I have a bunch of ideas swirling around in my head, so much so that I've got a touch of analysis paralysis. I decided to up the ante this year by agreeing to join the Girls on the Grid, writing about policy and politics in the city and regionally that affect the grid directly. This is no small feat, given the grid sits at the nexus of so many city issues - from dry ones like lighting districts and trash pickup to gnarly, complex ones like public safety, school closures and economic development. I feel up to the task and I'm very excited to provide this perspective. I'm also stoked to find my writing style again and get back into the groove of regular commentary.

I'm also judging the Sacramento Press Journalism Open. You'll see some wonky writing in my responses there. Bear with me.

Stay tuned. I am somehow going to have to both find a way to do the essential and write prolifically.

In the meantime, I'm off to bacon brunch at Golden Bear. Viva Sacto!