Saturday, October 23, 2004

once more, with feeling

Let's try this again, shall we?

I was on my birthday camping trip, inebriated, and was contemplating the source of my dissatisfaction with my job. Not only am I dissatisfied, I'm scared of it. This was the conclusion I reached after much intoxicated babbling, during which my equally mind-altered friends stared at me through a haze of what I can only assume was confusion, since they have no clue as to the particulars of my work. I ruminated up one side of this pursuit and down the other. Ultimately I know that my heart does not lie in my job long term, but it's not acceptable to use that as an excuse for poor performance. Periodically I make a halfhearted committment to focus on doing my work for the sake of the satisfaction of a job well done. It's a rare occasion that I enjoy this sensation, as I suffer from every cause and manifestation for procrastination ever documented, and then some. It doesn't help that I learned, a while back, that some of my coworkers consider my work unworthy, and my efforts for the company unnecessary. Whether the fruits of my labor are worthwhile, I must find a way to take intrinsic satisfaction in the work. I can't be so externally motivated, or else I will be invalidating much of what I believe in, especially when it comes to school.

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