Friday, April 13, 2007

hard work

Feeling Good


Pam just left a comment that I'm being too hard on myself. I've been accused of such things before. But to me, it's about goals. I am very much of two different natures. One is a hard-driving work-a-holic, and the other is a complete slacker. I feel I must exercise constant vigilance against the slacker (essentially, I've completely internalized my parents' conflict, but whatever). I suspect my friend Dave would tell me everyone experiences this, but I happen to think that other people must be better at managing the dichotomy than I am. This is how I explain why I haven't done what I want with my life yet. Well, that and my internal rigidity regarding not liking to actually commit to anything. Demonstrating a general aptitude but never digging in has been my m.o. since day one.

In any case, I've tried a lot of approaches to being satisfied with myself. And letting the indulgent side of me run wild, while fun in the moment, has serious consequences. So she's going back in the box for at least the next month. My whole work/reward system has broken down and it's time to restore it. After all, one of my new year's resolutions is to cultivate self-discipline. While I have managed to be good about finance and fitness, if I don't have a good foundation for work and school, the rest is moot.

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