Doing this fellowship is stretching me in ways I didn't want to be stretched, but needed stretching. It's forced me to confront fears, both real and unfounded, that I didn't want to deal with until I got home. I suppose I should have known that going away would put time and distance between me and them, which would give me space to think about them.
So I've thought about them, I've been free to reinvent myself in a town where hardly anyone knows me, and been unable to escape my true nature. I won't bore you with the details, but I think I've finally figured out where I'd like to go with the next phase of my life, and it's a lot less crazy, ambitious and pressured than the sense I had when I arrived here.
What I haven't figured out is whether I'd like to pursue this next chapter in Sacramento, in DC or somewhere else altogether. I visited Seattle earlier this year to see if I wanted to move back there, and at the time I decided against it. However, given the odd circumstances under which the trip was conducted, and the fact that it was snowing and so icy I couldn't get around the city to see what was up. I was similarly stymied during my trip to Chicago in 2006.
I do know that I am more interested in being happy during this next decade of my life than anything else. I want a good job, a nice place to call home and to address personal issues that prevent me from being an effective person. Oddly, though I have this sense that everything is not as hunky-dory as I would prefer at the moment, I feel like I have the emotional space to figure this stuff out in ways I haven't for a very long time.