Monday, December 17, 2007

On going home

I got a mini-reprieve on my thesis on Friday, when I broke down and called about the consequences of not finishing. Relieved, but not entirely off the hook, I spent the weekend relaxing, packing, and enjoying myself--though I still did manage to work on the beast a little bit.

I realized that I'm very excited to go back to Sacramento. It may forever haunt me that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to really take advantage of this experience--not knowing what I wanted out of it, giving up a potentially awesome opportunity for it, not having the money or emotional wherewithal to be proactive and enjoy it. But that's par for the course with me, always focused on the past or potential future rather than the current moment, which generally makes me very uncomfortable. This isn't to say that I didn't enjoy my time here. I worked at a cool organization with a group of very interesting, passionate and dedicated people. I lived in a house on Capitol Hill near the historic Eastern Market. I visited a few museums, I saw the Solar Decathlon, went to Philly and NYC and saw my family in Alabama, had great times with Judy and friends, belonged to a gym staffed by much nicer folks than the one I belong to at home, and made pals with the yarn shop owner and brought her enough business to garner myself an offer to teach knitting classes in the new year. (I have to say, I think this was the high point of my experience.)

Given my love/hate relationship with Sactown, being away from it and all it represents for me gave me time alone with my mistakes and opportunities. I've come to view a lot of the last five years as a fugue. What I was doing and where I was heading prior to that is where I'm headed now. The blog has been part of the fugue, though I am less inclined to discard it than one might expect. Blogging is fun and helps me stay in the practice of writing, something I plan to focus on much more now that grad school is nearly over. My decision to confine its content to mostly innocuous topics seems to have panned out well, though the drama days were certainly more exciting, if not completely unproductive and possibly damaging.

Going away on a trip like this is precisely what I needed to do upon turning 30. Considering all the angst and trepidation I felt for entering this new decade of my life, having a capstone to put on it and set the tone for the next decade is beneficial. To be starting a job in January that I'm excited about, to see all the friends I've missed, to build a life over which feel like I have ultimate control--it's a satisfying feeling for which I am very grateful.

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