Saturday, May 03, 2008

Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier

I was having too much fun yesterday and I went and missed the midnight deadline for this post. I started it beforehand though, so humor me.

I started this blog 5 years ago today (May 3, 2003). This is an important milestone, the official 5-year mark. I’d previously posted a few missives on a yahoo geocities page that eventually morphed into the original incarnation of Postcards from Sacramento, but I consider my first blogger post, here, to be my first true one.

I began blogging for a number of reasons, most of them stupid and selfish. First and foremost, I thought it would be a good way to keep in touch with friends without spamming them with irate commentary on the state of politics and the lack of leadership in America. I also wanted a place to bash bad roommates and tell funny stories. Developing my skills as a writer and cataloguing my life also figured prominently in the early days of the blog. And of course, I wanted to keep track of and inform others about fun things to do in Sacramento.

Shortly after beginning the blog, I ran into some frustrating health problems that were not easily addressed, and only partially treated. My ability to enjoy the world is tied to my sense of health and well-being, and it is self-reinforcing in either direction. Which is to say that for a long time, the blog was a place to vent my frustrations with my body and to lament the unfairness of being young and gimpy, and to register my discontent with people who didn't take my ailments seriously. I have posted a lot of stupid things on this site-- spewing bitchiness and bile and alienating people in the process. That was unfortunate, but what's done is done. In some ways, it's good that I did that, because it provides me with a cautionary tale about myself and what I can get myself into when I'm not careful. And while a part of me would have once railed against that very statement--because needing to self-monitor is just too much like conformity-- I now see the long-term value in not being crazy or an asshole.

I suppose I can say these things because I am so much more balanced and secure that I've ever been. I've acknowledged all the emotional wounds (real or perceived) I picked at and allowed to fester and for the most part, I've made my peace with them. Which isn't to say that I'm ready to sit in a circle holding hands and singing kum-ba-ya with everyone. I no longer hold grudges, but I'm still gunshy.

A big part of me wishes the 30-year old me could have sent a post to the 25-, 26- or 27-year old me admonishing myself to chill out. Eventually, I figured my shit out. I'm still neurotic and paranoid, but I now see how extremely wrapped up in so much bullshit I was. While it sucks that my 20s were a big ball of adversity and anxiety, I suppose that learning from my experiences is what makes me who I am. Given the long view of this blog, and the new approach I believe myself to be taking, there's a good argument for ending this blog. I might be too attached to it to do so, though. Keep you posted.

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