Sunday, July 06, 2008

Desperately seeking balance

I'm fighting a cold today (with lots of orange juice and Zicam), after a whirlwind weekend that included line dancing and karaoke in Del Paso Heights, badminton and burgers in McKinley Park, several failed attempts to enjoy dinner and drinks in Old Sac (complete with a transexual!) and quite a bit of shopping. It was definitely the least Independence Day-oriented Fourth of July holiday I've experienced in a long time. I managed to see exactly zero fireworks, unless you count the group of folks standing on the sidewalk on E street with old-school sparklers.

Having a three-day weekend should leave me feeling relaxed and refreshed and ready to tackle the week. Unfortunately, I'm scrambled enough to feel very unsettled. In addition to feeling so busy that I can't really think through what I'm trying to do right now, I'm also frustrated with myself. Whenever I'm stressed, I retreat into old patterns of self-preservation that perform the opposite action. Unfortunately, the patterns aren't anything I seem to be able to keep under wraps without clamming up and becoming scarce. I have often felt that the more time I spend with people, in any setting, the less likely they are to enjoy my company. And, perhaps tragically, I experience the converse. Depending on who you ask, someone (Einstein?) said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. We can debate what the unit of analysis might be for this assertion, which might explain why it has never made any sense to me, but I hope to avoid my usual extreme reaction of avoiding everyone. But I will probably dial back my social life a little bit for the next week or two-- I have a lot of projects to complete at home and I am really motivated to lose some weight before my birthday.

I haven't been making time for journaling or blogging, and I think the lack of reflection in my life is contributing to this again. So, maybe I'll be babbling here more frequently for a while.

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