Sunday, September 20, 2009

Totally unacceptable

I haven't blogged in a month. This is ridiculous. I miss the time for reflecting that blogging would afford me. I also miss how well it helped me organize my thoughts.

It's been a crazy summer. Summers always get away from me and fail to rise to the expectations I set for them. This has been the case since I was a little kid, when I would plan to clean and organize my room, read every book on the summer reading list and learn to sew (notice how ALL of those are still on my to-do list?).

I think I have hit the wall. I spent last winter and spring trying to justify the notion that it is okay for me to be a mess, but the consequences of this philosophy are just unacceptable to me. Therefore, I have to Once and for all.

I have been working non-stop for the past month without a day off, and I attribute this largely to an inexplicable unwillingness to push myself.

What kind of bullshit is that? It is as if I had completely exhausted all the energy and creativity I normally associate with my identity. In fact, in my search for a label to explain my lack of success in career and relationships, I've been doing a lot of reading about psychological deficits. Of course I've found myself to possess each of them in great measure, which is both ridiculous and impossible.

I'm taking a different tack this fall. I need to focus on succeeding, not cataloguing failures. I'll be reading about positive psychology, making time to be organized, to read, to knit and to spend time with a bunch of friends I've been neglecting. And bowling.

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