Sunday, November 21, 2010

Burdens

It's funny how commitment is conditional. It's interesting and sad how relationships can be too. It's also fascinating to discover where that line is, and how surprised I am when I'm confronted with the fact that I'm not as un-self-conscious as I think I am.

That was one of the topics of discussion in my meditation class this morning. It's also a recurring thought for me in my continuing exploration of and fascination with my social compulsion.

In the moment, I tend to do things because I want to and feel moved to be generous. But in retrospect I am often frustrated if I don't feel adequately acknowledged. I have a strong need for reciprocity, or at least a need to be thanked when I go out of my way to express my appreciation for someone. I'm probably not as direct about this as I could be-- I was raised by emotionally stingy parents-- but I also think that courtesy dictates a certain level of appreciation that I often don't feel like I receive.

On the other hand, if I feel like I need it, maybe I'm not acting from a place of unconditional love and acceptance. Given how difficult it is for me to access that, I wouldn't be surprised.

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