Sunday, November 21, 2010


It's funny how commitment is conditional. It's interesting and sad how relationships can be too. It's also fascinating to discover where that line is, and how surprised I am when I'm confronted with the fact that I'm not as un-self-conscious as I think I am.

That was one of the topics of discussion in my meditation class this morning. It's also a recurring thought for me in my continuing exploration of and fascination with my social compulsion.

In the moment, I tend to do things because I want to and feel moved to be generous. But in retrospect I am often frustrated if I don't feel adequately acknowledged. I have a strong need for reciprocity, or at least a need to be thanked when I go out of my way to express my appreciation for someone. I'm probably not as direct about this as I could be-- I was raised by emotionally stingy parents-- but I also think that courtesy dictates a certain level of appreciation that I often don't feel like I receive.

On the other hand, if I feel like I need it, maybe I'm not acting from a place of unconditional love and acceptance. Given how difficult it is for me to access that, I wouldn't be surprised.

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