Thursday, November 04, 2010

New babies, old thoughts

In the past two months, several friends of mine have had babies. Two boys, one girl. It's kind of insane just how many people I know are pregnant. I have to remind myself that, over the course of their lives, most women will have a baby. This still seems weird to me in these most modern of times, when the majority of my friends are well-educated, have good jobs and are not Mormon (which, if you asked a younger version of me, the lack of these characteristics would be associated with not having kids).

I like my friends' babies, but still I cannot imagine myself having one of my own. When I was younger and my body hurt more often, I could easily heed warnings I'd been given from doctors that pregnancy would be too hard on me. I also vowed I'd never have kids while I couldn't put anyone's needs before my own, and while I struggled with managing rage and suspicion. Now that, through my yoga and meditation practices, I've found a basic level of physical strength and mental balance I didn't know I could achieve, I'd expect I'd feel a little more open to childbearing, but I don't. Generally, I'm fine with that, but I kind of feel a gulf opening between me and most of my friends at this age. However, I also know that this is my concern, not theirs, and that I'm responsible for how I ultimately process this development.

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