Last night I started out intending to go to 5 new year's parties and a show at LowBrau. I should have known (and probably did) that such plans were silly. As it was, I was still working when the first party on the roster started. By the time I left the house it was too late to hit the second, so I ended up at the third, where I got to spend about 90 minutes with some of my dearest friends. I showed up to the fourth with the party in full swing around 10pm. I'd planned to hit LowBrau then end at the final soiree for the countdown, but I should have known two things would conspire against me: first - all my former neighbors and half of the peeps of Sacramento that I've known since I moved here were at that party, and second- I always get paranoid about driving anywhere once it gets close to midnight. So, I shut that third party down, and stayed until almost 5 in the morning. Since the party was hosted by a friend who is having a baby soon, I feel like it was time well-spent.
I woke up feeling refreshed and at peace with the world, and it made me reflect on the difference between this year and last. The transition from 2012 into 2013 was superficially fun, but I was still depressed and sad about the outcome of the preceding year. I spent all of 2013 processing the events of the previous two years. I misinterpreted things and did a lot of acting out and not being very nice. I wish I wouldn't have had to go through that and there are plenty of actions and words I wish I could take back, but I feel as if I've come out the other side of all this stronger, happier, and more resilient - I've got a lot less scar tissue in many areas of my life. Being forced to reexamine all of my assumptions about people gave me a window on reality and a way to deal with it, eventually.
I'm really looking forward to this year, in a way I never have before - with hope, but also with confidence in myself. I am filled with equanimity and I wish nothing but the best for everyone. I'm comfortable with the decisions I've made to put renewed effort into some projects and step away from others, and I don't feel guilty about not being able to be all things to all people, nor disappointed that I can't be omnipresent.
It feels as if 2014 is the year I finally start living from a place of authenticity. I wish everyone the same as we embark upon the new year.