Saturday, January 03, 2015

The Last Days of Disco

It says something that I only post here when I'm going through a major life shift. 

In the year that just passed, I've seen significant change. I left that job that I thought was going to be so amazing at the end of June. It wasn't the right fit, and there was nothing I could do to improve the situation. This was an especially important milestone - I'm not one to throw in the towel, and I'm usually especially good at self-preservation. 

But leave, I did. I spent the summer working on projects, then took a new job in early September. I'll probably be at this one for a while. I like both the people I work with and the work I am doing. 

I also noticed that my late December 2013 post about the pain of processing the disappointment of the events of 2012/2013 carried some nuggets for this year - about the dogged, futile pursuit of approval and validation and its role in my ongoing frustration with my life. In the past few weeks I have gained some insight regarding this dynamic. As always, I'm both grateful and resentful for the lesson. But unlike prior epiphanies, this one feels like I've unlocked something - I finally understand where that urge comes from, and I think I have the tools to deal with it and protect myself from being manipulated, and stop myself from projecting. I often think how weird it is to have to divine my feelings and motivations through interactions, but there you have it. 

I tend to sum up these posts with aspirations for the coming year. This year, I will be determined. 

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